


Sandcastle

by PencilSketchS



Series: Firmanent [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Episode: s14e18 coda, Everyone Needs A Hug, Gen, How Do I Tag, I Don't Even Know, Introspective Castiel (Supernatural), Light Angst, Possibly Unrequited Love, Post-Episode: s14e18 Absence, castiel - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-15
Updated: 2019-04-15
Packaged: 2020-01-13 18:39:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18474781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PencilSketchS/pseuds/PencilSketchS
Summary: The moments in the wake of Mary's funeral, and Castiel sits there alone, with nothing but his thoughts, and Dean's words echoing in his head, "You're dead to me."





	Sandcastle

Castiel sat in the truck cab,staring blankly out of the windshield. It seemed he was doing a lot of that today. The taillights of the impala were long since out of sight, barely a dull glow of embers from the pyre where Mary’s body had burnt, and he sat here alone.

When the last of the woodpile had collapsed in on itself Dean had finally turned to leave, back straight, strides long and purposeful. Sam, who had stood between the two of them all the while, turned to Castiel with an apologetic twist to his lips.

“We’d better head back, give Bobby a call, you know. Um, maybe you should-” he paused here to look back at his brother, “He needs some space, Cas, maybe-”

“Sam, I understand.” Cas cut him off. Dean didn’t look back at them. The impala’s engine turned over, and Sam huffed a sigh, mouth pulling down into a frown.

“I mean, yeah, okay- look, I better go. Just, um, it’ll be okay, Cas. He’ll be okay.”

And with that Sam and Dean left, and Castiel was left alone with his thoughts.

When he’d climbed back into the truck he’d been planning to go back to the bunker. Sam hadn’t seemed to be opposed to him being there earlier. He’d seemed understanding, sympathetic, like maybe he didn’t blame Castiel entirely for Mary’s death… but Dean did. His first and instinctual reaction had been to put the blame squarely on Castiel’s shoulders. And regardless of how implicit they all were in their willful blindness to Jack’s tenuous hold on morality, that would always be Dean’s first gut reaction.

He didn’t so much flinch in recoil from that thought, as force himself to let it sink in and rewrite their interactions. There was no place for his sentiments towards the hunter, not when Dean could cast him aside so completely and so definitively.

What Dean expected of him was more than what he was capable of delivering. Dean had no need for his unwavering devotion, no need for his need to protect, no need for his eagerness for approval and acceptance. What Dean needed from him was results. Results in the form of disasters averted, for miraculous saves, for Castiel the Angel not Castiel who wanted to be a man. Not Castiel who wanted to be a man that loved Dean Winchester.

But Castiel was not a man, a mortal, a human, an acceptable family member. No, his welcome came with caveats and conditions. And once again he had failed to meet those conditions.

He’d thought he’d come to terms with being the angel in a human family unit, he’d been so confident in his speech to Jack about loving these humans and embracing their time with them while they had a chance. So arrogant as to think that he could just keep them till they eventually passed away, safe in his place with them. But here he was now, the ill-fitting piece of the puzzle.

If he could not bring them help, it seemed he brought them harm instead.

And really, the help he brought these days could be accomplished by just about anyone else.

Castiel sat in his truck as the sky darkened to black and it felt like his chest was constricting.

Mary Winchester was dead, Jack was gone, and Dean’s words echoed in an endless loop, reverberating in Castiel’s mind, “You’re dead to me.”  
He wanted to go home, but he didn’t have a home to go back to, did he?

But he did have something that he had to do. A wrong he was obligated to make right. It wasn’t only Mary Winchester and her sons that he had failed spectacularly. There was a scared, dangerous and confused nephilim out there, and one way or another, he had to do his best to get Jack back under control.

He dug his phone out of his pocket, all roads but this barred to him.

“Rowena.” Cas spoke into his phone, as he turned the key in the truck’s ignition, “I need you to help me find Jack.”

**Author's Note:**

> This promo nearly had me pulling out my hair. Then the episode aired and Castiel was left as shattered as my heart. I really don't think he deserved the blame and abuse he received here, or all throughout his run, if I'm being honest. I'm kind of mad at Dean, and I don't feel like being apologetic of his behaviour. So I wrote this to purge myself of my despair. Not beta-read. And obviously these characters and the franchise do not belong to me.


End file.
